Why ADHD Can Lead to Perfectionistic Thinking
Perfectionism is not considered a core symptom of ADHD. ADHD is more commonly associated with disorganization, unfinished tasks, missed deadlines, forgetfulness, and inconsistency, which seems to be the apparent opposite of perfectionism.
Yet many people with ADHD struggle intensely with perfectionistic thinking. They may overthink simple emails, repeatedly revise their work, delay starting tasks until they feel completely prepared, or experience intense shame after making relatively minor mistakes. They may hold themselves to extremely high standards due to a number of reasons.
For many people with ADHD, perfectionism does not develop because they believe they are perfect. It develops because they have spent years feeling as though they are repeatedly getting things wrong.
With ADHD there is often a gap between intention and performance. ADHD can affect working memory, planning, organization, emotional regulation, time awareness, task initiation, and the ability to consistently turn intentions into action. A person with ADHD may care deeply about being reliable but forget an appointment. They may understand exactly what needs to be done and still struggle to begin. They may work hard on a project but overlook an important detail. They may intend to complete something later and then lose track of time. Over time, these experiences can create a painful gap between what a person believes they should be able to do and what they can consistently accomplish.
Perfectionistic thinking may emerge as an attempt to close that gap. The person may begin thinking: “I have to work twice as hard so no one notices my mistakes.” “I cannot turn this in unless it is excellent.” “If I make another mistake, people will think I am careless.” “I have to plan everything perfectly or it will fall apart.” “If I cannot do it correctly, I should not do it at all.”
Perfectionism can therefore become a protective strategy. It attempts to prevent criticism, embarrassment, rejection, or another painful experience of feeling inadequate. They have also been treated as though they are inadequate when others become upset with them and communicating that through negative feedback and shame-based communications- often not understanding the real internal experience of the person living with ADHD.
Inconsistency Can Create Unrealistic Standards
Many people with ADHD are capable of performing exceptionally well under certain conditions. Interest, urgency, novelty, accountability, or a looming deadline may temporarily increase focus and motivation. The problem is that this level of performance may not be consistently available. Other people may assume that because the person succeeded once, they should be able to perform at that level every time, this is often especially true of parent's views of their ADHD child's performance. The person may begin expecting the same thing from themselves. They may compare an ordinary day to their most focused or productive day. Rather than accounting for changes in sleep, stress, energy, interest, and executive functioning, they may interpret inconsistency as a character flaw. Their standards become based on their best possible performance rather than their sustainable capacity.
High Standards as Self-Protection
High standards can help someone with ADHD feel temporarily more in control. Many people with ADHD are capable of performing exceptionally well under certain conditions. They may believe that if they prepare enough, check enough, rehearse enough, or anticipate every possible problem, they can prevent the next mistake. This approach may work for a while. Some people become successful precisely because they compensate through overpreparation and intense effort. However, a system that depends on constant vigilance is difficult to maintain. It can eventually result in anxiety, exhaustion, avoidance, and burnout. The attempt to prevent all mistakes may ultimately create more overwhelm than the original task itself.
Perfectionism Is Often About Fear
Perfectionism is sometimes mistaken for ambition or a desire to do excellent work. Healthy ambition can certainly be part of it, but perfectionistic thinking is often driven by fear. The person may fear being exposed as incompetent, disappointing someone, receiving criticism, forgetting an important detail, appearing irresponsible, losing control of a situation, or confirming a long-held negative belief about themselves.
This is why simply telling someone with ADHD to lower their standards rarely works. The high standards may be serving an important protective emotional purpose. They may help the person feel protected from shame, criticism, or rejection. Meaningful change often begins by providing emotional support for being an imperfect, and at times inconsistent being, by strategies to give the self robust self-compassion along with support in executive functioning.
Perfectionism IS NOT THE ANSWER
People with ADHD are frequently told that they need to try harder. Many are already trying extremely hard. Their effort may be directed toward remembering tasks, staying on task, monitoring themselves, hiding difficulties, checking their work, understanding expectations, managing anxiety, and attempting to prevent mistakes.
Perfectionistic thinking that requires fear, shame, and exhaustion to function is not necessary to develop expectations and systems that work for someone with ADHD.
In the next article, we will explore how repeated criticism, mistakes, and emotionally painful feedback can contribute to perfectionism in people with ADHD.
This is the first article in a 4 part series on ADHD and perfectionism- don't worry we'll get to some practical solutions in article 4! In the meantime, let's explore some of the difficult journey that may help motivate you or someone you care about to use the solutions.
Continue reading: Blog 2: How Mistakes, Shame, and Trauma Can Shape ADHD Perfectionism